Sometimes I cry for no reason. Sometimes I think I'm going crazy. I'm on the edge and I feel scared. I might fall off this cliff I'm on and I feel like I will, and no one will ever know. It's inside me, a hole that keeps folding me into myself. I feel incomplete, and very very alone. It's in little things, like how I'm alone in a free period at school. We don't have anything in common, so I can't really talk to them, my classmates about anything. So I sit silently, trying to sleep but can't, trying to stay calm inside but can't, trying so hard to not show it on my face and I don't know how that turned out. I'm very very lonely and very very alone.
My exam is in a month. I remember when I noted that I had two months to my final exam and now I have one. I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. My room is never clean and when it's clean, it gets messy. It's the same number of walls and the same colour since when it first was and I can't help feeling trapped. Playing a good song on repeat helps sometimes, like right now. I've been avoiding my Driver's computer test and I've decided to keep on avoiding. I'm going to enjoy being a child while I still can, and put that on my dad's plate instead. Because everytime I think I should study for it, I think of all the other things I should be doing like studying for my exam, cleaning my room, decorating my class, homework, that alternate month class bulletin, drawing something decent, or something. I end up not really doing anything because I keep thinking that if I zoom in on one thing, I'll lose sight of the big picture? But what is the big picture without the meticulous details, and larger details and the strings tying them all together. Which reminds me, my strings are thinning and I feel like i'm falling apart inside but on the outside I'm just a failure like all other over-emotional hormone-raged teenage girls my age. And of course don't forget the old 'at least you ain't starving and homeless on a street in China'. So what is the big picture? Because I've lost it in the deep dark folds of my mind and as I keep searching within me to find it, I find myself lost in my own mind.
I'm afraid of failing things because I've failed so many already. All my accomplishments are just words and strings of letters on a resume because inside I feel like shit. I want to go to a good college and do A-levels but I'm a small fish. I'm so very scared that I'll just drown in the midst of other billions of small fish swimming for the same bait. And there's only so much bait, and I'll be the one starving and it'll be my own fault. All because I couldn't keep my head straight. Because I can't cope. Because tiny piranhas and eating away at me, and I'm in the dark blue void of my mind cowering away.
I read about strong female characters in books and classy ladies in movies. I tried to be like them, I tried faking it until I make it. I kept my voice down, and giggled more. I stopped making weird hand gestures and faces and kept my hair up. When I go home, I'm tired and all alone with my thoughts and I'll think about all the things I should be doing and other things that I should be doing and it's all a jumble of things I should be doing. And every day after school, I'll choose the distraction of a TV series and try to sleep away all my problems. The next day will be the same as this one. I'll feel lonely, alone and scared. I'll try to push down my problems and compress them like pushing a syringe piston. To take the edge off, I'll draw. A bad drawing adds another stack to my accumulating mountain of anxiety problems. And I'll push that down with a facade I'll invent to be able to live another day with thinning strings holding me together. I'll worry about failing my SPM next year and not being able to take A-levels in Taylors because I'll screw up my finals this year. I'll suck it up, and end up doing last-minute studying. I'll suck it up because at least I'm not starving or dying in a ditch.
*Note : This was 2 days ago, on 3/9/13. I accidentally didn't post it then, and some few sentences might be missing. I feel much better now. (Y)
My exam is in a month. I remember when I noted that I had two months to my final exam and now I have one. I feel like I'm taking one step forward and two steps back. My room is never clean and when it's clean, it gets messy. It's the same number of walls and the same colour since when it first was and I can't help feeling trapped. Playing a good song on repeat helps sometimes, like right now. I've been avoiding my Driver's computer test and I've decided to keep on avoiding. I'm going to enjoy being a child while I still can, and put that on my dad's plate instead. Because everytime I think I should study for it, I think of all the other things I should be doing like studying for my exam, cleaning my room, decorating my class, homework, that alternate month class bulletin, drawing something decent, or something. I end up not really doing anything because I keep thinking that if I zoom in on one thing, I'll lose sight of the big picture? But what is the big picture without the meticulous details, and larger details and the strings tying them all together. Which reminds me, my strings are thinning and I feel like i'm falling apart inside but on the outside I'm just a failure like all other over-emotional hormone-raged teenage girls my age. And of course don't forget the old 'at least you ain't starving and homeless on a street in China'. So what is the big picture? Because I've lost it in the deep dark folds of my mind and as I keep searching within me to find it, I find myself lost in my own mind.
I'm afraid of failing things because I've failed so many already. All my accomplishments are just words and strings of letters on a resume because inside I feel like shit. I want to go to a good college and do A-levels but I'm a small fish. I'm so very scared that I'll just drown in the midst of other billions of small fish swimming for the same bait. And there's only so much bait, and I'll be the one starving and it'll be my own fault. All because I couldn't keep my head straight. Because I can't cope. Because tiny piranhas and eating away at me, and I'm in the dark blue void of my mind cowering away.
I read about strong female characters in books and classy ladies in movies. I tried to be like them, I tried faking it until I make it. I kept my voice down, and giggled more. I stopped making weird hand gestures and faces and kept my hair up. When I go home, I'm tired and all alone with my thoughts and I'll think about all the things I should be doing and other things that I should be doing and it's all a jumble of things I should be doing. And every day after school, I'll choose the distraction of a TV series and try to sleep away all my problems. The next day will be the same as this one. I'll feel lonely, alone and scared. I'll try to push down my problems and compress them like pushing a syringe piston. To take the edge off, I'll draw. A bad drawing adds another stack to my accumulating mountain of anxiety problems. And I'll push that down with a facade I'll invent to be able to live another day with thinning strings holding me together. I'll worry about failing my SPM next year and not being able to take A-levels in Taylors because I'll screw up my finals this year. I'll suck it up, and end up doing last-minute studying. I'll suck it up because at least I'm not starving or dying in a ditch.
*Note : This was 2 days ago, on 3/9/13. I accidentally didn't post it then, and some few sentences might be missing. I feel much better now. (Y)
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