rant

I'm so fucking tired. and cranky. This is illogical but I feel like killing my right leg. ( For those who don't know my right leg's story, long story short, I've got a nerve root irritation or wtf for a year and a half now and it hurts when I walk/stand too long. Too long being an hour or so.  ) 


Okay I'm feeling fucked up, may I just rant? 
My little brother makes me feel like my brain circuit near my forehead is sparking fire. At the same time, my stupid never-ending nerve root pain keeps banging at the door. My sister keeps laughing and pointing out things like an anime character and my mum keeps telling me the same things again and again and again. Neutral things and negative things. Positive things, less. 
How the fuck are you supposed to be all confident and fucking pretty when your own family makes you feel down? Plus, the maid keeps pointing out how sexy I am. I'm quite flattered really, but it does make me feel creeped out. 
Let me state all my insecurities right now. 
I'm insecure about my like of drawing and painting and design. My parents don't push it. Mum slightly hints that I should be a dentist.
I think I'm going nowhere in life. I feel like i'm not moving. I'm afraid that I'll just be another wannabe zombie. A stupid wannabe zombie in her own delusional world.
I think I'm an ugly zombie sometimes. Yeah, sometimes. Other times I love myself. I'm quite vain, really. Sometimes I look into the bathroom mirror and I see pretty. Then, I look into my sister's mirror and it screams 'dull zombie' 'dull zombie' 'dull zombie'. I try to smile and look at myself optimistically. It's stupid. Also, now there's the problem of my tummy. Also, my hair. My stupid stupid hair. And my insect bites all over my body. And my dark elbows. And my archless eyebrows. And my eyebags that make me look old.  Heck, I even feel old. Especially with my hair tied up. A friend told me I had beautiful eyes. I tried to tell myself that everytime I look in the mirror but I hardly notice them with my eyebags under them. I always try avoiding mirrors in public too.


Okay I'm done. Thanks for listening.


Let me state my positive views on myself. 

1. Kindness is my core value.
2. I try to practice kindness everyday at every moment unless I'm fucked up tired and cranky and the company is a fucked up annoying jerk.
3. I have a lot of interest and I am curious a lot.
4. I make efforts to improve myself.
5. My grade improved. 2 exams ago I had 4 A's. Then I got 5 A's. Now I have 6 A's. 
6. I'm proud of myself.
7. I memorised and am able to play a piano piece fluently.
8. I made efforts to  learn a foreign language.
9. I have stopped wasting money on classes I don't need. Like the chinese class I took last  year and stopped midway because it was dead boring and my leg hurt. Cost me a pretty penny, really.
10. I have stopped wasting money on little meaningless trinkets.
11. I have a favorite chocolate brand.
12. I love fruits.
13. I use lotion on my skin.
14. I change my bedsheet frequently.
15. I started a blog and recorded my thoughts.
16. I quit Facebook. It was making me feel down. Quitting is actually quite easy.
17. I've thought about a business idea. Making/selling chocolate bananas. Not happening, though. 
18. I collect bracelets and it's my signature accessory. 
19. I like making crafts. Mostly decorating my class and also presents.
20. I participated in the creation of the new house extension. I was in charge of the painting. It was actually exhausting.
21. I sewed something.
22. I started using watercolor.
23. I gave a less of a damn about school. School brings me down. The system, and the people in it.
24. I take walks some mornings and afternoons.
25. I have gorgeous eyes.